There is a commonly held belief that when couples therapy is on the table, a marriage, or any other form of partnership, will soon be over.
Yet this does not have to be the case. Couples therapy is always available, through the bad times or the good. Still, some people would prefer to put off asking for any form of assistance in their relationship until things have gone seriously wrong. Prejudice against the idea of intervention could cost them a happy relationship!
However, the acceptance of therapy is changing as it becomes more widely used by individuals, couples, and even organizations. Couples counselling is now heavily in demand by happy, loving partnerships. They seek to create a more well-developed understanding of themselves and their relationship while smoothing out minor issues that should be addressed preemptively rather than be allowed to grow and fester.
Some people fear that therapy serves as an opportunity for one partner to criticize the other. But that is not why therapists exist, and treatment is not about blame. Instead, couples counseling is about communication and resolution. Not every individual communicates the same way, and this can sometimes throw off how each partner interacts with the other, resulting in arguments, sulking, or resentment. Sometimes all three! These outcomes stem from pre-existing negative emotions and patterns of behavior that can affect the well-being of the relationship.
One common issue that I see is insecure attachment, where one partner perceives unexpected distance or separation from the other. Such negative ideas are commonly seen as a threat to the relationship, resulting in individuals entering their coping mechanism, often to behaviors developed in childhood.
These are the sort of issues that therapists like me seek to explore. If your partner has suggested that a couple’s counsellor might improve your relationship, don’t feel threatened; instead, think about it for a moment. Perhaps one of you tends to retreat from arguments, waiting for problems to pass or denying they exist, much to the frustration of the other. Or maybe one of you overreacts to situations, possibly making yourself appear angry or threatening to the other. Negative reactions often result in unwanted emotional behavior. While such emotions may be a part of you, they do not have to define how your interactions with your partner must continue to play out.
By providing emotionally focused therapy, couples can move towards a closer understanding of each other. Instead of shifting blame to partners for their reactions to events, we collectively aim to develop and reorganize the emotional responses between you. Rather than criticizing how each individual reacts to the other, I work with you to recognize those emotional responses and see what drives them. Once you become more aware of how your actions and reactions contribute to conflict within the relationship, it becomes easier to de-escalate. And the quicker you guys can get back to the business of being a happy couple, the better. Essentially, I help you learn to love each other to the max!
And that is what it is all about — building a better understanding of each other. By putting layers, like floors of a house, between the walls of trust and commitment, you will learn to turn towards each other effectively to provide the attention and affection that you each need. Managing conflict and working together to create shared meaning makes your relationship grow. With a solid base and a mutual agreement to continually move forward together, there is no stopping how strong your commitment to each other can become until you can create the relationship you can truly call your emotional home.
References:
Insecure Attachment, Dysfunctional Attitudes, and Low Self-Esteem Predicting Prospective Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety During Adolescence, Adabel Lee and Benjamin L. Hankin, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2741157
What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)? Marni Feuerman, https://www.verywellmind.com/emotionally-focused-therapy-for-distressed-couples-2303813
Is couples counselling right for you? F. E. Robinson, https://happiful.com/is-couples-counselling-right-for-you/
What Is the Gottman Method? Rachel Goldman,
