Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Do you bend over backward to keep everyone else happy, often at the expense of your own needs and desires? If this sounds like you, welcome to the world of people-pleasing—a common yet challenging behavior, especially among women.
And while it may seem you’re alone in this fight, trust us, you’re not!
In a 2022 poll by YouGov, nearly half of American adults identified as people pleasers, with women being more likely than men to take on this label. Specifically, 70 percent of women admitted to avoiding conflict, and 68 percent frequently prioritized others’ needs over their own. Additionally, more than half of Americans struggle to say no when asked for something, with women again leading in this behavior. Recognizing these tendencies is the first step toward reframing your mindset and learning to advocate for yourself more effectively.
Afterall, if we can’t be our own hype girl, who will? Let’s use our authentic voice and trust our instincts—our womanhood depends on it.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is the tendency to prioritize the needs and desires of others over your own. This behavior often stems from deep-seated fears of rejection, failure, or disapproval. You might find yourself constantly seeking external validation, struggling to set boundaries, and avoiding conflict at all costs.
The roots of people-pleasing can often be traced back to childhood, with many professionals asserting that the behavior is often a trauma response. According to Psychology Today, many people-pleasers grew up in environments where love and approval were conditional. As children, they may have learned that pleasing others was the only way to receive affection and avoid punishment. This behavior often carries over into adulthood, leading to a cycle of self-neglect and chronic anxiety.
Common Traits of People Pleasers
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might recognize some of these traits in yourself:
- Low self-worth: You may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, constantly seeking validation from others to feel good about yourself.
- Inability to say no: Saying “no” feels almost impossible because you fear disappointing or upsetting others.
- Conflict avoidance: You go out of your way to avoid disagreements, often at the cost of your own opinions and needs.
- Over-apologizing: You find yourself saying “sorry” even when you haven’t done anything wrong, to avoid discomfort and “keep the peace.”
- Self-neglect: Your own needs are often pushed aside as you focus on making others happy.
The Fawning Response: A Deeper Look
Yes, people-pleasing can be understood as a trauma response, specifically the “fawning” response. As explained by Verywell Mind, fawning occurs when an individual copes with perceived danger by trying to ease the person causing the threat. This response is common among trauma and abuse survivors who, to prevent harm, overcompensate by being overly accommodating and compliant.
In these cases, people-pleasing is not just about avoiding conflict—it’s a deeply ingrained survival strategy affecting all areas of one’s life: personally, professionally, spiritually and beyond. Unfortunately, this behavior can lead to a cycle of self-abandonment, where your own needs and desires are continually sacrificed to keep others happy. Consequently, over time, people-pleasing can either contribute to the development of other mental health conditions or increase symptomology of pre-existing ones, such as anxiety, complex PTSD, and various personality disorders (i.e., Dependent Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder).
The Impact on Women
Women are particularly prone to people-pleasing behaviors, largely due to societal expectations. As the primary caretakers in many cultures, women are often conditioned to be nurturing, passive, and agreeable. Psychology Today notes that women are more likely to be people-pleasers because they are taught from a young age to prioritize others’ needs over their own. This can lead to a life of constant self-sacrifice, where your own happiness is secondary to the needs of everyone around you.
Setting Boundaries and Finding Your Voice
The good news? It’s possible to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and to begin your healing journey. The first step is recognizing and acknowledging the behavior. Here are some strategies to help you reclaim your voice and set healthy boundaries:
- Know Your Worth: Begin by understanding that your value is not tied to how much you do for others. Self-compassion is crucial here. As suggested by Victoria Albina, holistic nurse practitioner and meditation guide, start with awareness and acceptance of your people-pleasing habits. This is not about beating yourself up; it’s about understanding why you’ve developed these behaviors and how they’ve served you in the past.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is essential for protecting your time, energy, and mental health. This involves learning to say “no” without guilt. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish; it’s about self-care. As Fara Tucker, a clinical social worker in Portland, explained in Psych Central, setting boundaries “can feel like a risk to [one’s] survival.” Tucker, who works with helpers, healers, and people pleasers, notes that many people pleasers learn early on that their value comes from meeting others’ needs and being overly accommodating. She emphasizes the importance of clarifying and communicating your boundaries to care for yourself as well as you care for others.
- Handle Conflict with Confidence: Conflict can be daunting for a people-pleaser, but it’s a necessary part of life. Start small by expressing your opinions in safe environments. Over time, you’ll build the confidence to stand your ground in more challenging situations. As you do, you’ll likely notice a decrease in hypervigilance toward perceived threats, positively impacting your overall anxiety and advancing your authenticity.
- Focus on Your Needs: It’s important to put your needs first. Ask yourself what you want out of a situation and make decisions based on your desires, not just what you think will make others happy. Goal-directed behavior is key for your wellbeing; what do you want for yourself and how can you get there? Self-prioritize your time, your life.
- Practice Assertiveness: Assertiveness is not about being aggressive; it’s about communicating your needs clearly and respectfully. This can be as simple as expressing your preference for a restaurant or as significant as setting boundaries in a relationship. Let’s be real—not many of us want to text back in our much-needed yoga or meditation session but feel we must. Telling friends and family you’re unavailable, will respond to them afterward, or leaving your phone silent or in the car, are helpful strategies for practicing assertiveness and setting boundaries at the same time.
Empower Yourself: Become Your Own Hype Girl
I’d say it’s time to become your own hype girl—wouldn’t you? Celebrate your strengths, acknowledge your achievements, and remind yourself that you deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. You always have, and you always will. We’re not here to follow the lead of others but to lead ourselves—on our unique missions, however that looks. By embracing your authentic self, you’ll not only break free from the chains of people-pleasing, releasing a pattern of behaviors that does not support your wellbeing, but also inspire other women to do the same. Let’s hype each other up, challenging anyone who wants to quiet us down.
References
- Albina, V. (2020, May 28). Root Causes of Why We People Please. Retrieved from Victoria Albina
- Marschall, A., PsyD. (2023, November 27). Fawning: What to Know About the People-Pleasing Trauma Response. Verywell Mind. Retrieved from Verywell Mind
- Psych Central. (2019, March 4). A Pep Talk for People-Pleasers: Setting Boundaries. Retrieved from Psych Central
- Psychology Today. (n.d.). People-Pleasing. Retrieved from Psychology Today
- YouGov. (2022, August 22). Women are more likely than men to identify as people pleasers. Retrieved from YouGov
